“What church do you go to?”

This was the question that Shaan most dreaded while growing up as the son of Indian immigrants in the Bible Belt.

“I remember feeling very ‘othered’ at the time,” Shaan recalls of his experiences as the rare outsider in the evangelical bubble of rural East Tennessee. Now, as an agnostic living in New York City, he appreciates the diversity of lifestyles and perspectives around him.

“I've always seen spirituality and religion as an extremely personal thing. When people bring it up, in whatever religion or format it means to them, I think I am good about being open-minded because I recognize that probably everyone has their own perception of what God or greater power is.”

When Christians Bring up Faith

Whether they stem from a place of certainty and presumption or from a place of curiosity and inclusion, opportunities for spiritual conversations are many, Barna’s research suggests.

Relationships between Christians and people of no faith are fairly common—and they often involve talking about Jesus. In fact, 65 percent of people of no faith personally know someone who follows Jesus, and 45 percent say such a peer has talked with them about their Christian faith.

Knowing that cross-faith conversations and friendships are organically occurring, and that they might be catalysts for spiritual openness, it’s wise to examine the intentions, quality and outcomes of these connections.

What do people of no faith hope these spiritual conversations look like?

When Shaan was asked to offer “ground rules” for a conversation that reaches across religious beliefs, he was quick to share a list of qualities: “Mutual respect, openness, willingness to understand another perspective, curiosity about the other.”

In our survey, responses are similar: The top thing people look for in a conversation with a Christian is that they “listen without judgment.” People of no faith are also hoping for honesty about questions and doubts, and they don’t want forced conclusions. The best learning environment, they express, is one marked by care and consideration.

Unfortunately, that isn’t always what people of no faith find.

Our survey also probed actual experiences of spiritual conversations and how they were received by people of no faith.

Even within the seemingly warm environment of a casual one-on-one conversation about faith, there are mixed responses when Christians explicitly share about their faith with people of no faith. Notably, people of no faith tend to say they do not want to know more about Jesus after such a conversation or that they do not want to talk about this topic again with their friend. Further, these conversations don’t often promote closeness. While some people do walk away feeling more positively toward Jesus, these conversations are as likely to make someone of no faith feel unheard as heard, as imposed upon as cared for.

These responses remind us that spiritual conversations can’t be divorced from the relationships in which they can occur. When they go poorly or are simply ineffective, it may not only limit curiosity about Jesus but also hinder connection between the individuals.

Spiritually Open Non-Christians Are Sorting out the Place of Faith in Their Lives

Where might some Christians go wrong?

Barna grouped people of no faith based on whether they had a positive or negative experience in a spiritual conversation with a Christian (Referring to the previous chart, people of no faith who had a positive response to a spiritual conversation with a Christian answered positively to three or more questions. People of no faith who had a negative response to a spiritual conversation with a Christian answered positively to two or fewer questions). Our goal was to see how the attitude, interaction or input of a Christian conversation partner correlates with either encouraging or discouraging outcomes.

Overall, positive responses are more likely to stem from spiritual conversations that are exactly that: a true conversation, one where dialogue (even across differences) is embraced. In these scenarios, stories are shared, and questions are asked. The Christian speaks well of both their own faith community and the beliefs of others. There is a spirit of conversational generosity, evident in inviting the other person to participate in spiritual practices or disciplines, to talk about how they personally experience God or to help meet the needs of the other.

More than anything, positive spiritual conversations are likely to be ones where Christians listen well.

On the other hand, when people of no faith have a negative response to a spiritual conversation with a Christian, it may be because they are far less likely to experience mutuality, respect and give-and-take in these interactions. The overall impression is of a Christian talking at and not with the person of no faith. Meanwhile, the engagement that does occur sometimes take an argumentative or combative tone. Negative encounters are more often associated with the Christian being critical, expressing disagreement or trying to correct their conversation partner.

At least in Barna’s survey, the negative interactions exceed the positive; 39 percent of people of no faith had a negative response to a spiritual conversation with a Christian, while 25 percent had a positive response. And, overall, the Christians they know may be doing more talking than listening. Across the collective of these spiritual conversations, people of no faith are 19 points more likely to say their Christian counterpart shared about their faith backstory than they are to say the Christian asked about their own background.

Still, our data suggests more than one-third of people of no faith (36%) have yet to have a meaningful conversation about faith with a Christian they know. And pastors, church leaders and fellow Christians can—and should—be growing as considerate neighbors and spiritual conversation partners.

People of no faith are looking for understanding and empathy. They want to know they are respected and valued, even if they believe differently from the majority in the U.S (to whom, in many cases, “nones” once belonged). In addition, they crave honesty about the journey of faith. They want Christians to be able to share their own questions and doubts and admit they don’t have the answers to everything. People of no faith don’t seem to be scared off by mystery or uncertainty. In contrast, they are more likely to get nervous or to feel uncared for when people appear too certain in their beliefs.

The task becomes helping Christians learn how to build relationships and have conversations that honor these values and create spaces where there is mutual care, respect and authenticity.

This may feel like quite a shift from discipleship and evangelism teachings of the past, where it was important to focus on facts, certainty and debate. This may also frustrate Christians who feel they’re doing everything right—even doing exactly what their churches have taught them to do—only to leave a poor impression or even risk friendships. Learning conversational skills, though, will equip congregants to meet people wherever they are on their spiritual journeys and walk alongside them in loving, respectful ways.

For more tips on developing these important conversational tools, see the field guide "Keys for Better Spiritual Conversations: A Field Guide for Faith Leaders."